Yeah, I know that sounds weird. I also know it makes it sound like I had a terrible time on my honeymoon. But that’s not true! I had an amazing time! And that’s awesome b/c I was a little nervous going into it because a honeymoon means spending a lot of time with just one other person. Yes, I’m talking about my husband (of course!) and yes, I know that being married to him means spending the rest of my entire life with him. And no, I wasn’t worried like ‘are we gonna make it?’ worried and remember I’m anxious about everything (literally). It’s just that during our day-to-day, we spend a lot of time both together and apart. Like right now, I’m inside writing on this blog and he’s outside doing something in the yard. Not to mention that M-F, we spend about 12 hours apart due to our jobs and commuting to said jobs. But on the honeymoon, a couple is supposed to be together like all the time. It’d be weird if we each did our own thing even if it was just now and then, right? (Oh, society’s messages about weddings and marriage…). So I was nervous because I love my down time. And my prime down time is spent alone. I’m an introvert, who sometimes disguises as a social butterfly. My husband’s also an introvert so he totally gets it. We spend a great deal of time with each other and have many shared interests. But we also spend a great deal of time doing our own thing and working on our own interests. And then we get to fill each other in our respective alone times and talk about our individual hobbies/interests. And to me, it’s the best. I’ve never understood couples or groups of friends who spend all their time together. After a few hours, I get all itchy and want to be alone. Maybe I have Social Anxiety Disorder, too? I don’t know. When I was younger, I would be super judgmental of couples who spend all their free time together. I judged because I felt both uncomfortable and jealous around them. I was jealous because I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to spend all their time with me… then again, I have never wanted to spend all my time w/any one person either. But still. It bothered me that I probably couldn’t have such a relationship. But I also felt uncomfortable because something about being around just one other person all the time rubbed me the wrong way. It didn’t feel healthy to me – especially not during adolescence when most relationships are temporary. And now that I’m older and work in the DV field, I know that couples who are always together are often not so in love but more likely in an unhealthy, possibly controlling relationship. And so now, I feel compassion.
So that was a tangent. So to make a long point short, I had a wonderful and romantic honeymoon. And my husband and I spent nearly all our time together. The one exception being when he wanted to climb a tower to see a good view and I, being scared of heights, refused to go with him. But other than that, it was a lot of consecutive time together and it was great. Aside from my genuine need to be alone, I also worry about spending lot’s of time with people and getting tired of them or that they tire of me (kinda juvenile, I know). But that didn’t happen and I came back feeling even more happy and comfortable in my relationship, which was surprising because I’d already felt incredibly happy and comfortable in it.
And now we’re back from our lovely honeymoon. We go back to work tomorrow for the first time in almost three weeks (!!) ! But I’m so happy. The wedding and honeymoon were phenomenal. But it’s been so nice to spend the past few days at home w/him, settling back into our “normal” lives and routines. I’m happy and immensely grateful for the wonderful wedding and honeymoon we had. But I also feel such joy with the now and I realize how content I am with my current day-to-day. And because I’m an anxious one, I’m often in the past or future – especially the future. But y’know what? Even though I’m often either in the past or future these days, I’m still happy. And that’s all that matters. The point of living in the now is to reduce stress and increase well-being, right? So if I feel content and at peace even if I’m not in the now as much as I “should be” (whatever that means!), does it matter? I think not.
With my anxiety and past traumas, I often struggle to feel settled and grounded. In fact, it’s been a long time coming since I felt this way. And so even though all the excitement of the wedding, etc is over, I feel better than ever. I guess that’s genuine well-being. Thanks to my husband, friends and family for getting me there – oh, and myself, too 🙂
PS I promise this will be the last sappy post for awhile!
PPS But this post did reference DV so it can’t be that sappy, right?!