So it’s been a little while since I’ve posted. Mostly, that’s because I’ve been busy with well, my wedding and getting married! Yup, my
fiancé husband and I recently married. It was an amazing day. Really, I couldn’t have asked for better.
The day after the wedding, I woke up and began reflecting on it. I was overcome with happiness and amazed at how perfectly everything I had turned out. I’m not the type to gush about weddings and romance (usually). I’m pretty practical and not traditionally romantic when it comes to relationships. But every now and then, some relationship moment really is just perfect. And I am so lucky to say my wedding day was one of those moments. So I was thinking about that and thinking about my life as a whole, being all nostalgic and whatnot. I thought about the happy and hard times of my life and everything in between. I’ve been overall incredibly fortunate and privileged but I’ve also been through some sh*t. I’ve been depressed, incredibly anxious and suffered terrible bouts of OCD. I was terrified for an entire summer. I’ve experienced multiple traumas. And the work I do, which is incredibly rewarding, is also incredibly draining. And so, I found myself thinking ‘yeah, after everything I’ve been through, I really deserved that phenomenal wedding day.’ And just like that, the magic wore off. Why?!
As soon as I thought the words ‘I deserve’ there were suddenly all these expectations. And those expectations made me feel like crap. This sense of entitlement flooded me. It was like because of choices I’ve made and experiences I’ve had, I must get the best. And there was this sense that I should be feeling something but I didn’t quite know what that feeling was. And I feared that the entitlement and its subsequent expectations would make me believe I should feel satisfied to an impossible extent. And instead of feeling happy, I felt overwhelmed and bratty.
But I wanted the happiness and magic back. So I changed my attitude. I thought about how wonderful it was to have had such a beautiful wedding day. I thought about adding this incredible experience to my other big life experiences and I felt like I was basking in a glow of happiness. And I thought about how, just in general, it is so wonderful to have a beautiful wedding day! I felt grateful and that felt so much better and healthier than when I felt entitled. When I felt deserving, I felt a need to get what I want and a pressure to feel an impossible amount of satisfaction. But with gratitude and appreciation, I felt the moment of reflection for what it was. And it was happy, radiant and beautiful.